While freshly remarried couples like to dream about how great their marriage and new family will be, they are frequently unrealistic in their expectations. Not to pop your bubble or anything, but the more realistic you are, the better your chances for success. That's where I come in!

One of the reasons that step families don't immediately function smoothly is because they are not one functioning unit. Instead, there are 3 units working independently. It's not until those units begin to work together than life starts flowing smoothly.

Unit #1 - The Marriage

This is you and your spouse. You've created this new marriage. You are very close to one another and have made a commitment to making not only this marriage, but also this family work. You are highly motivated to work with the other units.

Unit #2 - The Insiders

This is the biologically connected members of the family. If the wife has 1 child, then she and this child are insiders. If the husband has 3 children, he and his children are insiders.

This unit functions very well together. They have a history together and understand one another. Due to the changes their unit has experienced through the divorce that occurred, this unit tends to be very concerned about protecting itself. For example, the kids want to make sure that their parent is going to be there for them no matter what. Because of this, the parent in this unit is motivated to work with the other units, but the kids may be hesitant.

Unit #3 - The Outsiders

These are the newbies. The people who were not a part of the insider group before the remarriage. These are the "steps" whether it be parents are siblings. There isn't a shared history here. Things aren't familiar or comfortable. Thus, there is much more resistance to allowing the outsiders in.

While this is a difficult position to be in, outsiders need to appreciate that their acceptance is a slow process. Insiders feel intruded upon when pushed too quickly to accept you. This is most frequently seen when a step parent has no children, and thus no "insider" group of their own.

The Goal

Eventually, the goal is to function as a well oiled machine where everyone is at least comfortable. Does that mean that the insider groups must dissolve? Absolutely not. They are an integral part of the members' identities. The hope instead is that the barriers between these units become more fluid, less rigid.

Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
©2009

Show All Articles By Alyssa Johnson