The song "Respect" has meant a great deal to many people. Otis Redding wrote the song and Aretha Franklin performed it with her powerful, inimitable talent. Many people, who have been disenfranchised, identify with this song. The most powerful phrase in the song is, "R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me." In other words, we define respect according to our own subjective perception of reality and it is the responsibility of each person in any relationship to understand the other person's definition of respect.

People will inadvertently (sometimes deliberately) hurt others throughout their lives. When one person treats another with a lack of respect, a fault is created. If the person who is hurt makes her feelings known, it is the responsibility of the person who hurt her to listen and understand the hurt persons definition of respect. When the offending person takes time to listen to and empathize with the person he hurt, it is his responsibility to apologize. Apologizing is a social skill that, like riding a bike, gets easier with practice. The act of apologizing is an act of respect.

The purpose of apologizing is to create a bridge between people. To heal a rift. It is an important act in the creation of healthy relationships. Some relationship experts believe that two of the most important words are, "I'm sorry." I would like to add, "I made a mistake" and "I don't (didn't) know." An individual who can recognize his own mistakes and use those phrases understands the quality, integrity and power of humility. Acting with humility and apologizing, does not mean one is weak or submissive. It takes profound, genuine strength of character to be able to apologize. Apologizing helps us mature emotionally and spiritually. When one offends another person, they have done something wrong even if they did not intend to offend. Refusing to apologize compounds the hurt.

When several people have a disagreement, it is the responsibility of all involved. The act of blaming one person is an abdication of responsibility and exacerbates the problem. Family systems theory describes this well and explains that blaming one person is "scapegoating" that person. One person is held responsible for a problem that was created by several people. This leads to a lack of balance in relationships and problems continue. When all parties accept responsibility and think about what they could have done differently, amends can be made and a rift healed, a gap bridged. This is the work of relationship. This is maturation. The ability to apologize is an act of respect.

The best way to teach children anything is by setting a good example. By doing. When we treat our children with respect, they learn that this is the best way to treat others. Parents are very human and human beings make mistakes. It is vital for parents to treat their children with respect. This involves understanding how children think, what their developmental level is, what they can or cannot understand. And, most important, it involves apologizing to the child when we have made a mistake that has hurt the child.

It is important to respect cultural differences. Mistakes occur more frequently when we attempt to relate to a person who comes from a culture that differs from ours. After all, we were not born with the ability to think about or recognize those differences. Often we learn that we've offended another person whose cultural background is different, after we have offended them. That results in our having the opportunity to open our minds and, instead of blaming the other person, to stop, think, wonder and understand. It is the power, integrity and quality of humility that allows us to do that, then to make amends.

Deep listening to another person involves choosing to be open-minded and curious. To do this one must be able to let go of their need to defend their own perspective. It is then that "beginner's mind" can be used. Everyone can find people to agree with their own perspective. We can always find articles and books to support our own perspective. Creating space for various perspectives is much more difficult. Cultivating the willingness to hear and learn from another person's perspective, is the work of maturation. Self-confrontation to make ourselves listen to, understand and empathize with another is the work of maturation. We create a place of respect for other's within our own psyches. And the only person who can do that for us is ourselves. This is the work of learning what respect is in depth.

Our universe is full of an incredible variety human beings. Similarities and differences between people abound in every relationship. Culture, gender, and age are a few obvious differences. The creation of relatively healthy relationships involves self-awareness and acceptance of differences. Humble apologies are a creative act of respect.

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Anne Ream
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