"Love that is fed by jealousy dies hard" -Ovid

Jealousy can be consuming. It creates stress and anxiety in a relationship. Jealousy leaves you feeling insecure, vulnerable and frustrated. There is nothing good that comes from being jealous; regardless of whether you are the one who displays destructive jealous behaviors or if you are the victim of a jealous person.

First you have to differentiate between the two types of jealousy. Well-founded jealousy; jealousy brought on by some form of deception or infidelity. Or, unwarranted jealousy; the kind that stems from someone's insecurities and fears. If you are dealing with someone who is jealous and they have no reason; these unfounded fears can be quelled in time if you are in a healthy relationship. You address this by communicating their concerns or fears so there is nothing mysterious. By restoring confidence in the strength of your commitment you will begin to develop a mutual trust.

If someone is being totally unreasonable and unprovoked, without being able to be reasoned with; you have a bigger issue on your hands. Illusory thinking and false accusations can cause major problems and push the other person away. That's why it's so imperative that you express your feelings so you can put this monster to bed.

The fears behind these feeling are the culprit. If you are wondering why you aren't good enough; why you're afraid that your partner may be interested in someone else; why you question everything they do or if you're afraid they might leave you; these feelings have nothing to do with your relationship and everything to do with you. You are projecting your own inadequacies and your fear of loss is taking over your better judgment as to what is reality.

Insecurity is simply a lack of feeling secure. By trying to control someone you lose control of yourself. The green eyed monster is alive and well unless you tame your inner demons. As you begin to face your insecurities which cause this unwarranted jealousy; you will be able to have a healthier, happier life.

If you are with someone who has lost control and their feelings have taken over; you may experience episodes of unacceptable behaviors. Abuse is not something that should ever be tolerated.

On the other hand if you are jealous because your partner has given you reason to be; then regaining the trust in your relationship is difficult at best. It takes a major commitment by both parties to make things work. In particular, the effort must come from the person who caused the mistrust in the first place. This is when you find out what the deceptive partner is made of and how truly committed they are to re-building your trust. It takes a lot of reassuring and answering questions that are necessary in putting your relationship back on track.

When jealousy enters your mind and it is unfounded you know that you can diminish your fears by communicating your feelings. Get in control of your insecurities and build upon your mutual commitment.

But, if you are jealous because someone has betrayed you then you need to decide if this is a person with whom you believe you can rebuild trust and if you are still willing to work things out with them. The ball is in your court. It's your decision.

Susan Russo
©2009

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