Every week I get asked "How do I help my new partner and kids feel closer to one another?" It's a hot topic and understandably so. Here's this person, you've come to love and here are these kids you love. It's only natural that you'd want them to love one another as well.

No matter what great ideas and tips I may offer, they all boil down to - time. It took time for you to develop relationships with both sides of this equation and it will take time for them to develop their own relationships. This is just another reason why I encourage couples to date for at least 2 years before getting remarried.

While you're waiting, here are some ideas to try:

Stay out of the way - No matter how much you may want them to have a great relationship, you can't control it. Your partner and kids have to figure out, on their own, how their relationship will work. You, forcing them to spend lots and lots of time together will hurt things rather than help. Be present but not overly pushy.

Keep things low key - While you may feel a big push to bring these two groups together, one or both of them may be a little resistant. Don't try to plan big, extravagant events hoping that will help. It won't. If anything, it will feel fake and make things more awkward. If this person is going to permanently be in the kids' lives they need to experience real life together, not just the special times.

Focus on fun - Step parent/step kid relationships need to be focused on fun. You make a huge mistake if you allow your partner to take on a parental/disciplinarian role. That is not what they are. Your kids will resent this and it will doom this relationship. YOU are the parent. When your kids and partner are together, let them have fun. If a discipline problem arises, YOU need to step in quickly and take care of it.

Help them find common ground - You know both groups well. What do they have in common? Do they both like sports? If so, then invite your partner over and as a family watch a game. Use those similarities to help make their time together less awkward. They're more likely to be comfortable interacting if they're involved in something else. Just sitting across a dinner table, looking at each other kills a conversation quickly.

Support them - Encourage them separately. Point out the other's good points. Compliment them when they've made an effort. Let them know you appreciate how they did with one another. It's important to do this when the other person is NOT around and to be genuine with this. If you are gushing, everyone will feel like it's fake and manipulative. That's not the intent. You're just being supportive in encouraging the steps they are taking.

I wish you the very best in bridging these two relationships. Just remember to give them time and space to create a relationship that is theirs rather than one you've forced upon them.

You may be asking, "How can I learn some other steps to help my partner and kids become closer?" There are two answers: education and support.

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Alyssa Johnson at Remarriage Success
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