Garden Path

I've had a friend since 2001, and for the last four years he's been in love with me. He didn't date anyone else even though I was married and never reciprocated his feelings. During this period my husband and I had lots of problems, including miscarriages and separations.

In difficult times I turned to this friend. I know this was probably wrong, but I felt close to him. During these separations he always thought I would give him the opportunity to date me. I probably misled him into thinking this, but I was never attracted to him as more than a friend, until lately.

Four months ago my husband and I separated, and I was positive we were finished. However, a month ago I went back home. That crushed my friend's heart. Now I've decided I want a divorce, but in the meantime my friend started dating someone he seems crazy about.

I told him I'm ready to give us an honest shot, because I never realized I had feelings for him until he started dating her. To my surprise he said he has built up a wall to me and is terrified to break it down because I disappointed him so many times.

He will barely speak to me. He has a picture of this girl on his phone display. He shows up with her at places all our friends are, and they hang all over each other, kissing and hugging. Is it possible for someone who supposedly loved you for four years to stop in a month? If not, is there any possibility he may give me a chance in the near future?

Terri

Terri, researchers think we have two systems for making decisions, one quick and intuitive and the other conscious and slow. One purpose of the second system is to correct misjudgments made by the first.

Think about it this way. If you ask someone to read a flashcard with the word "red" printed on it, they will read it instantly. But show them a flashcard with "red" printed in green, and they'll hesitate before giving the right answer. Suppressing wrong impulses takes time and effort.

You ask if your friend can be in love with this woman in just a month. Isn't that exactly what you are telling us-in just a month you fell in love with him? And that was only after you decided to end a bad marriage. Coincidence? We think not. Your feelings are not love, but abandonment, irritation, and need.

Over time this man has realized you used him as a crutch in your marriage. He knows you led him on even though you only viewed him as a friend. He has finally learned that though the printing on the card is green, the card says red.

Wayne & Tamara

Wounded Spirit

I was married to my husband for 18 years when we divorced. We have four children together. I had a really strong feeling for a couple of years he was cheating on me with my so-called best friend. I was right. After the divorce was final he announced his engagement to her.

So let me ask you how you ever get over something so terrible? It has been two years, and it hasn't gotten any easier. I am forever damaged and see no way out.

Mimi

Mimi, trauma experts divide the source of trauma into three basic categories: natural events, man-made events with an accidental cause, and man-made events intentionally inflicted. Many experts believe that the traumas which are most difficult to overcome are the ones which are both man-made and intentionally caused.

That is the kind of wound you have suffered. It damaged your spirit and challenged your basic beliefs about life. It is a truism that people cannot think their way out of trauma. They need outside help. That is what you must seek.

Wayne & Tamara

©2005