Swimming In Denial

I am happily married to a wonderful man, and we have two beautiful children. I am also the daughter of an alcoholic father and a mother who has unwittingly enabled him the whole time they have been together.

My father is a Vietnam veteran, and unlike so many who deem this as the be-all excuse to drinking, I never have. My mother is an old-fashioned woman with a heart of gold. She is strong and would do anything to hold her family together; anything, that is, except recognize my father for what he is.

For many years now, my father's drinking has been exceptionally bad, and my parents argue terribly almost every night. Mum has threatened to leave him before, using the old "it's me or the drink" line, but then failed to stick to her guns.

I have two sisters. The oldest has removed herself somewhat from the family; the middle one has completely removed herself. I am here, not five minutes from mum and dad's house, holding onto all the baggage I can handle.

Very recently, I blew my stack and told my father he is a horrible man and I could not tolerate life with him anymore. I left knowing the backlash would fall on my mother. Three days later, my mother told me they fought that whole night. She told him I was right and it all came down to his drinking. She said she wanted a separation, which he could not accept.

He agreed perhaps he did need help and rang Vet's affairs. He made an appointment with a psychologist in two weeks time. I know he will not make it through two weeks without drinking, and though she says she means it, I doubt mum will leave him when he does.

I don't want to live this lie anymore, and I do not want my young children to be a part of this nightmare either. How can I help him to make sure he gets what he needs in order to succeed?

Cecilia

Cecilia, for all these years, your father's objective has been to say and do whatever it takes to continue to drink. He is addicted to a substance which is widely available, legal, and not highly addictive. As long as he doesn't do anything criminal, he is free to continue drinking.

The ball is in his court. It always has been.

After all these years, you say your mother is a woman who "unwittingly" enabled your father and would do "anything to hold her family together." But the family isn't together. One sister opted out totally and the other partially. It takes savvy and craft to deal with a drunk for decades. We wouldn't call your mother unwitting. We would say in all these years she has chosen to function as another bottle for an alcoholic.

The ball is in her court. It always has been.

There is only one power you have--the power to control your own actions. If the drunk won't put down the drink, you can put down the drunk and get away from him. If the enabler won't stop enabling, you can put down the enabler and escape her drama.

It is not within your power to change either of them. You and your sisters are victims of alcoholic child abuse, and both parents played significant roles in delivering that abuse.

What is within your power is the ability to assess the damage done to you, and work to correct it. It is within your power to insulate your husband and two beautiful children from the damage these two adults can do to them.

But give up your life for these two? No, how about the drunk stops drinking? How about the enabler stops enabling? They don't get to give themselves more rights by taking rights away from your children, your husband, and you.

Wayne & Tamara

©2005